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Q: What does a lawyer and an apple have in common?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree...
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking
through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a
rat. The sculpture is interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner
what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store,two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers,basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill,he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS
(Creating section 372: of the California State Civil Code)
§ 372.01 Any person with a valid California state Rodent, Skunk, or Predator hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational, relaxation, and sporting (non-commercial) purposes.
§ 372.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted; however, the use of United States Currency as bait, in denominations of $20.00 or more is prohibited.
§ 372.03 It is unlawful to hurt or trap attorneys inside saloons, cocktail lounges, strip joints, or brothels or within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, Mercedes Benz dealerships.
§ 372.04 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise such as a Hooker, Reporter, Accident Victim, Physician, Chiropractor for the purpose of attracting and hunting attorneys or shout; "WHIPLASH", "CLASS ACTION", or "FREE DRINKS" for such purpose.
§ 372.05 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is unlawful. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
§ 372.06 BAG LIMITS PER DAY:
Corporate Employee Eviscerater 4 per day Nasty Larcenous Litigator 4 Per day Devious Divorce Lawyer 3 Per day Horn-rimmed Cutthroat 2 Per day Pompous Procrastinator 1 Per day Raging Environmentalist 1 Per day HONEST ATTORNEYS *(0)* * (Protected - Endangered Species)
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of'em, and eat'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase..."
The Borg: Resistance is futile.
Lawyers: Resistance is futile.
Coincidence? I THINK NOT!
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, 'That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"
(there's no actual punchline here, just that warm, fuzzy feeling of hearing about a lawyer getting some of the same treatement as he gives)
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?"
The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".
George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:
Legal Consultation Service: $150
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night,when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrasing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners. The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So what's the catch?"
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to the place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful women. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
A quote attributed to one of America's founders, John Adams, in the play 1776: "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress."
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
A man woke up from surgery and his doctor told him he would not live the night. He asked "please call my lawyer and will you both stay here by my side?" The doctor was silent for a moment and then asked what he had in mind? The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side and I'd thought I check out the same way!"
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ...Benjamin Franklin.
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator. . .it would be a good idea to just leave them there.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other."
"Okay, you first," replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
A lawyer was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.
Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.
Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."
One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business. Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.
Dow told the men who he was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno. When one of the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what I see here: all of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"
"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.
A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"
The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.
The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.
When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.
The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."
"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client again.
"Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead."
"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
A blizzard struck the law school town one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable. One law student who lived two miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of one.
Instead of taking his regular seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward the other student.
"What's he talking about?" he whispered.
"How should I know?" came the reply. "I only got here five minutes before you did."
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"100 dollars an ounce! Why is lawyer brain so expensive?"
"Do you have any idea how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brains?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Sarah?"
Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Sarah," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was horrified and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "Well, I'm actually an attorney. But can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
The son of a Spanish lawyer graduated from college and was considering the future. He went to his father, who had a very large office, and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner where he could observe his father's activities. He could be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. This way, he could decide on whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this to be a splendid idea, and this arrangement was set up immediately. On his son's first day at work, the first client in the morning was a rough-hewn man with calloused hands, in workman's attire, who began the conversation as follows:
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for some people named Gonzales who have a ranch on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, tended them, fed them, and it has always been my understanding and belief that I was the owner of the cows. Mr. Gonzales died and his son has inherited the farm, and he believes that since the cows were raised on his ranch and fed on his hay, the cows are his. In short, we have a dispute as to the ownership of the cows." The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the tenant farmer left, the next client came in, a young, well-dressed man, clearly a member of the landed class. "My name is Gonzales. I own a farm on the east side of the town," he said. "For many years, a tenant farmer has worked for my family tending the crops and animals, including some cows. The cows have been raised on my land and fed on my hay, and I believe that they belong to me, but the tenant farmer believes that since he raised them and cared for them, they are his. In short, we have a dispute over ownership of the cows."
The lawyer said, "I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!"
After the client left, the son came over to his father with a look of concern. "My father, I know nothing of the law, but it seems to me that we have a serious problem regarding these cows."
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" said the lawyer. "The cows will be ours!"
A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.
After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.
The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
I busted a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Benjamin Franklin
A lawyer and his Czechosolvakian friend were camping in a backwoods section of Maine. Early one morning, the two went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"Whatdidja do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?"
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also.
"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.
The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get???"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."
"I think libarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon " When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electrians, all their organs are color coded".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers.They are heartless ,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however. They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away. "Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says. "After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do you call 10 dead lawyers at the bottom of a river?
A: Pollution.
Q: What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of a river?
A: A solution.
Q: What's the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: What do you call a lawyer up to his chin in concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q:What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger.
The other is a fish.
Q: What is the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life-support system.
Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French)
A: Both have hearts like stones.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign,
they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.
Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are
working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman pinscher.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q. What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A. The vulture eventually lets go.
Q. Why is it dangerous to pull back into traffic too soon after an ambulance goes by?
A. You might get run over by all of the lawyers.
Q. Why is it illegal to shoot an honest lawyer?
A. It's an endangered species.
Q. Why does New Jersey have a lot of toxic waste dumps while California has a lot of
lawyers?
A. NJ had first choice.
Q: Why don't lawyers don't lay on the beach?
A: Because they are afraid a cat will come by and cover them up.
Q: Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet under instead of 6 feet under?
A: Because deep down they are really nice people.
Q: Why are leopards sometimes observed eating elephant dung?
A: To wash away the taste of a lawyer they just ate!
Q: How many lawyer jokes are going around the Web?
A: Three! (All the rest are true!)
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A. A hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead.
Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A. Back over him to make sure. Make another notch on the steering wheel.
Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A. Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q. What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A. Both have about a one in 3 million chance of being a human being.
Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A. Their personalities.
Q. Why are lawyers great in bed?
A. They get so much practice screwing people.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.
Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A. A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
Q. What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. How can you tell if your lawyer is worthless?
A. Ask him if he's a member of the bar.
Q. Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;
2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers, and
3. There are some things a rat just won't do.
Q.What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory
experiments?
A. It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Q. Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep?
A. Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q. What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the
burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
A. Japanese language lessons for lawyers.
Q. Why do lawyers carry their certification on their dashboard?
A. So they can park in the handicapped parking; it's proof of a moral disability.
Q. How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A. Because after they die, they lie still.
Q. What is a criminal lawyer?
A. Redundant.
Q. What are lawyers good for?
A. They make used car salesmen look good.
Q. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A doberman pinscher.
Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
A. Sue.
Q. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the
criminal gets arrested?
A. An accomplice.
Q. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal
gets arrested?
A. A lawyer.
Q. How can you tell when your lawyer is lying?
A. His lips move.
Q. How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A. Take your foot off his head.
Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.
Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
A. Not enough cement.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of cow manure?
A. The bucket.
Q. Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the city morgue.
Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can't understand.
Q. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A. Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Q. Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
A. Professional courtesy.
Q. How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q. How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. How many can you afford?
Q. Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste
dumps?
A. New Jersey got first pick.
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in
it?
A. A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
A surgeon, an engineer and a lawyer were having a religious discussion. The surgeon says, "I believe that surgery is the most noble profession because God is a surgeon. He created Adam and from Adam's rib he created Eve."
The engineer disagrees. "Engineering is the most noble profession because God is an engineer. He created the sun, the earth, the moon and and He created order from chaos."
The lawyer says, "Well, who do you think created the chaos?"
- After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night's shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.
Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.
Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.
The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.
Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the
blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the
operation was a failure."
Human one: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.
Human two: Why do you say that?
Human one: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your
case: $25.00'.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."
"Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what
you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had
not said it, I was going to say it first."
--A lawyer speaking to a judge
"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."
--Lenny Bruce
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a eman charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."
A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"
"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.
"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"
"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the
truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular,
"Lawyers are horses' asses."
Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."
The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
"Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.
He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"
"I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She still thinks I'm a pimp."
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office-I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:
A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.
The headhunter replied, "if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand."
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:
I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."
Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?"
"They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth," replied the devil. "What's your second question?"
"Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?"
Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. "Oh, yes!" he finally exclaimed. "We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan."
A priest and a lawyer die at the same time and go to Heaven together. The lawyer gets to stay in a big mansion and the priest gets stuck with a 1-room apartment. One day the priest went to God to complain.
Priest: God, I've spent my life serving you and all I get is THIS?
God: You see, we've got a lot of priests. He's the only lawyer up here.
Lawyer (law' yer) n. see Liar
There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday."
Came the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again."
Well, five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request."
Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!"
The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Gandhi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another.
So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
A chiropractor is standing in line at the bank. He notices that the shoulders of the man standing in front of him in line are severely misaligned. After a while, the chiropractor just cannot bear to see such disocated shoulders, so he grabs the man's shoulders, thrusts his knee into the man's spine and pulls the man's shoulders into perfect alignment.
The man turns around and yells "What are you trying to do?"
The chiropractor answers "I'm a chiropractor and I just cannot bear to see a person's shoulder's as out of line as yours were! But now they are in perfect alignment!"
"Listen," said the man in front of the chiropractor, "why don't you mind your own business and keep your hands to yourself? I'm a lawyer and you don't see me screwing the people ahead of me in line!!"
Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor?
A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills which amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady. The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." she answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" "No." she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into 3 million. "I bet." she stated. "You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." she replied, "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference- he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day- how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000.00 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on the shore one day, picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. However, he was not a typical Genie, he was an attorney Genie. When the Genie told the man he was also an attorney the man laughed and said, "Oh come on, Genies can't be attorneys too!" The Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his three wishes, but on one condition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were granted DOUBLE of what the man wished for. The man pondered the offer and decided that something was better than nothing and decided his three wishes. "My first wish is for 1 million dollars". The Genie reminded the man that he would grant the wish, but all attorneys would get double that amount. The man agreed and then made his second wish. "My second wish is for a beautiful blonde with blue eyes." Once again the Genie granted the wish and also granted all attorneys with two of the blonde eyed babe. The Genie announced that the man had one more wish and to consider his choice carefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly he drew the Genie's attention to a piece of driftwood lying on the beach. He told the Genie: "For my next wish, please pick up that piece of driftwood and beat me HALF to death!!!"
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?", to which lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer. "You mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow. "Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall." "Well," she began, "he said "Don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun."
What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!
Man goes goes to lawyer for help - Man: "What is your least expensive fee?" Lawyer: "$50 for three questions." Man: "That's pretty expensive isn't it?" Lawyer: "Yes. So what's your third question"
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.
Dear Prospective Employer:
I am a starving student on the 1993 production line at Harvard Law Factory. A recent examination of my aspirations has convinced me that I must eat in the years to come. The exorbitant sums paid by most legal factories to summer associates fit in well with the modest goals I have set for myself. Feel assured that I understand the responsibilities incumbent upon a summer associate at your firm. I am not at all squeamish about milking our powerful corporate clients of their every last cent by providing legal services of the calibre necessary to defeat well-founded claims by victims caught in the corporate vice. I have learned much at Hahvahd. I can promise that such human foibles as pity will never interfere with my willingness to stretch the innocent on the rack of legal trickery for the good of the client and its share-holders.
Although my parents lost their fortune in the 1987 stock market crash, we have managed to retain our insultingly extravagant La Jolla mansion by means of lies and trickery. I have gained a deep admiration for conspicuous consumption and hope to become an expert in the practice. If I may quote the Bible, "You cannot serve both God and Mammon." (Matt. 6:24). So why bother serving God?
I would be delighted to discuss further my background in a personal interview. I am satisfied by my ability to demonstrate the amorality needed to be a successful attorney, and the hunger needed to be a successful and profitable hour biller with your factory. I appreciate the time spent reading this form letter and my "you've seen it all before" resume. I look forward to receiving a form letter with good news from you soon!
Desperately, but cocksurely,
Jack Meoff, Jr.
enclosure
JACK MEOFF, JR. School Residence Family Residence 666 Brattle St., #14 99 Oversight Dr. Cambridge, MA 02138 La Jolla, CA 92123 (617) 123-4567 (714) 321-9999 EDUCATION HARVARD LAW FACTORY. Juris Doctor will be awarded May, 1993. Grade Point Average: 3. 93/4. 00 *Christopher Columbus Langell Scholar *Staff Member (redundant, huh?) Harvard Review *Founder, CRAP in '92 (Committee to Re-elect America's President) DARTMOUTH COLLEGE. Bachelfor o Science, summa cum laude, awarded 1990. Grade Point Average: 3. 97/4. 00Class Rank: 3/1245 Major: Economic Assumptions Minor: Business Antics *Senior Thesis: "The Rich: How to Keep them that Way" *Editor-in-chief, "The Dartmouth Review" *President, Future Fascists of America EXPERIENCE WICHITA MUNICIPAL JAIL Conspirator, Operation Rescue, 1991 *Deprived numerous U. S. Citizens of their civil rights *Endured three nights of detention for flouting U. S. District Judge Patrick Kelly's injunction encouraging infanticide SILVERADO SAVINGS AND LOAN Personal Assistant, Office of Mr. Neil Bush, 1990 *Rubber-stamped numberless unsecured loans to family friends *Hid under rock with "sensitive" files when federal inspectors visited EXXON CORPORATION Intern, Legal Department, 1989 *Collaborated in escape from liability for Exxon Valdez spill *Advised that Capt. Hazelwood be publicly pilloried as drunk culprit UNITED STATES SENATE Intern, Office of the Honorable Jesse Helms, 1988 *Authored bill to mandate a return to the values of the Middle Ages *Rigged spring-guns to "delay" Anti-life protesters at door *Bullshit official positions to constituents INTERESTS *Money *Wealth *Riches *Treasure Trove REFERENCES Available for a modest fee
"Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they fuck everything up."
-- Danny de Vito, "Other People's Money"
A lawyer is driving his new, red, convertible BMW when he runs a red light and is broad-sided by a Ford. He stumbles out in shock, all the while whining "My Beemer. My poor Beemer". A cop arrives on the scene and points out "Sir, your arm has been torn off". The lawyer looks at where his left arm used to be and screams "MY ROLEX!"
It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giradoux
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of character!
-- Michael Lara
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'
-- Michael Lara
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
An architect, a doctor, and a lawyer were all sitting in the park, enjoying the sunshine and discussing whose dog was better.
The architect finally said, "Look, I'll prove my dog is better." With that, he opened a bag, pulled out a number of bones, and threw them down on the grass. Then he called his dog, "Blueprint!", and pointed at the bones. The dog ran over, sized up the pile of bones, and set to work. In just a few minutes he'd built a model of a skyscraper.
The architect was beaming with pride, but the doctor said, "That's nothing!" He called his dog, "X-Ray!", and pointed to the bones. The dog ran over and within moments had taken the bones and constructed a skeleton with them.
At this point a crowd had gathered, and all the people clapped at this feat. The lawyer, still unimpressed and sucking his teeth, muttered, "That's nothing." He called his dog, "Scheister!", and pointed to the bones. The dog trotted over and sized up the situation. Then it ate all the bones and screwed the other two dogs.
Three lawyers are chasing a ambulance one day when their car loses control and slams into a telephone poll. As other lawyers descend on the accident with dollar signs in their eyes, the souls of the three dead lawyers get misrouted and end up at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter immediately sees that there's a problem and tells the lawyers they can't enter. Each of the lawyers insists that in fact they've been good little Christians and should be allowed to enter.
Peter says, "Ok, so you're all Christian, eh? Ok, I'm going to ask you some questions, and if you can't answer, you can't enter." The lawyers looked at each other and, each having received the best education that money sued from little old ladies can buy, they agreed.
Peter asked the first lawyer, "What's Christmas?"
The lawyer thought about this for a moment and replied, "That's when the... uh... pilgrims and the indians .... um ... they dress up in turkey suits and, ...eh ..." POOF! The lawyer was gone.
Peter asked the second lawyer, "What's Thanksgiving?"
The lawyer gave this some serious thought, then replied, "That's when little kids look for eggs, and they have football games on TV, and..." POOF! Another lawyer gone.
Peter turned to the last lawyer, a smug look on his face, and asked, "What's Easter?"
The lawyer, who would be sweating if snakes had pores, did his best, "Easter... uh... ok, I know.... see, Christ was nailed to a cross and uh, then he was taken off the cross and put in a cave... and ....let's see... and he was in the cave for three days and... wait, I know this one... and then he arose from the dead and came out of the cave... and ... uh... he saw his shadow and went back in the cave and there was 3 more months of winter..."
POOF!
Got a good joke? Send it to me! lawyers_suck@tgrigsby.com
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