8/16/2004:   Today the MFFB promised "a more agile and more flexible force," and announced that about 60,000 to 70,000 uniformed personnel would move from overseas to posts in the United States over the next decade. The move would also involve about 100,000 family members and civilian employees.

What he didn't actually come out and say was, "Whether it's me that does it or the next three administrations that fix the complete f*-up that is the Iraqi war."

Don't understand what I'm talking about? Try to picture a late-night television psychic hotline commercial where some junkie they picked up 10 minutes before they started filming, dressed in someone's Stevie Nicks costume and staring into an upside down fish bowl screeches out in their very best Jamaican accent, "Der gonna be troop movements AWL OVAH DE WORLD! Weza gonna see TENS OF TOWSANDS of soljahs packin up deh ruck and deh guns and comin back home to deh families! Jah!"

Still don't get it? Let me put it this way: No duh. Of COURSE they're going to come home sometime in the next 10 years. That's like saying the tide will come in some time next month!

Oh, and by way of translation, "more agile and more flexible" means, "smaller." In other words, we're done showing our asses in Iraq. It's been a political boondoggle since it started and no one, not even our current "War President," can take the political hit of leaving troops in a country that didn't need to be invaded in the first place and which we have spent nearly a thousand U.S. lives to screw up.

Oh yea, the troops are coming home alright. As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, they're going to come home sometime in the next 10 years. It's just too bad that, now that we've had our troops committed to this farce, we can't just jerk them out of there right now. And the credit for that sits directly on the shoulders of our "War President." Jerk.

8/16/2004:   And in other Fortune Telling news, gasoline prices go up as demand all over the world soars and crude production peaks, with a decline looming in the near future.

Of course, that's what our scientists have been saying for two decades now, but no one has been listening. And if you really think our current President gives a rat's ass about our country's ability to continue producing energy to power our transportation, communication, and power grids, you are either a screaming hysterical Republican extremist or a complete moron. Oops! Sorry; redundant.... The "War President" is also known as the "Big Oil President." He is using his current political currency to build an even richer future for himself.

We need to focus on alternative electrical sources -- solar comes to mind -- and stop producing Hummers and other major gas guzzlers. So you want something cool? Buy a Porsche. The Boxter S is a two-seater convertible rocket that gets pretty decent gas mileage. Even with the fantastic resale value, you can still pick up a "pre-owned" one for a reasonable price.

8/1/2004:   Michael Jackson. If he's guilty of pedophilia, and I get the distinct feeling he is, he should be put in prison indefinitely, have his kids removed from his custody and put in foster care with no hope of their mothers regaining custody, and he should have his nose and skin color surgically restored. Yeah, I really like that last part. Make him back into what he so stringently rejected: a normal person.

Laci Peterson Law. There's a law working its way through Congress that states that a pregnant woman is killed, the killer is responsible for two murders, not just one. I actually agree with this law. If the woman decides to have the baby, then that fetus is a person in the making. If the woman decides to have an abortion, then that fetus is something that could have been a person but never will be. Is there a loss in that case? Not much. I am not my body; I'm the sum of my experiences and decisions. Those are what we steer our life with, those are what we're held accountable for. Until you have those, you are essentially a non-entity. In the case of this law, I think it behooves Congress to pass a law that defines a human being the way I just did before creating penalties for harming a fetus. Since the law I propose will NEVER pass, neither should the other.

Tony Blair. I actually have a lot of respect for Tony Blair. More than anyone else in British politics today, he strikes me as someone who actually cares for the common man as well as the traditional British political infrastructure. He strikes me as a good man. And yet, he's wrong. The U.S. and Britain were not right to go into Iraq. There was insufficient cause, and that was verifiably demonstrable prior to the invasion. So, while Tony Blair may be a good man, he's having a really hard time admitting that he screwed up. I can understand that, and I'm sure one day he'll look back and say, whether in public or in private, that he realizes that maybe he was duped. It's ok Tony. When you get to that place, we already feel for you.

Six civilians were taken hostage in Iraq, with threats made to behead them if the company that had them working in Iraq doesn't pull out their entire staff. Yawn. Ok, everyone, can I have your attention? The Iraqis DON'T WANT US THERE. It's not like they're rushing out to find the terrorists, because they are now ALL terrorists. Thanks, George, for turning millions of people into terrorists that have made a national pastime out of hacking the noggins off perfectly harmless people, some of whom are actually there to help out. Thanks George, you stupid git.

And speaking of Iraq, did you notice they keep blowing themselves up? Every day you hear about a car bomb on the news. And then some dork from the Iraqi insurgency takes credit and demands that all foreigners get out of the country. Isn't this a little like a nut-case putting a gun to his own head and yelling, "Everybody stand back or the asshole gets it!" What's up with that? We're going to have to go in there with 3 million straight jackets and tie up every Iraqi male over the age of 10 just to save them from themselves.

Oh, and did you hear that Iran is now the focus of the 9/11 fallout because some of the terrorists spent time there, and right now Iran is harboring known terrorists? Yeah, buddy! If you miss the Taliban, you're going to just LOVE the Iranian War of 2004 -- hey, that rhymes! Shoot, we gotta do it now just cause it rhymes! Iraq was, "He tried to kill my Daddy." This will be, "The Iranian War in 2004." Man, that's just catchy. Yeah, I'm being sarcastic. But you know it will happen. Iran is next. Are they a bunch of frikkin' religious freaks over there? Except for the younger crowd, which apparently is made up in part of people that like to (gasp!) think for themselves, yeah most of them are U.S. hating hardcore lunatics. But hey, give credit where credit is due; they managed to have a handful of U.S. hostages for over a year and THEY DIDN'T CUT ANYONE'S HEAD OFF! Y'know, in retrospect, these guys aren't all bad... Shoot, I'm going to put their freakshow religious leader on my Christmas card list right below Salmun Rushdi...

Catwoman. Halle Berry. Dayum. Even after having only seen the trailers, you could pretty much just add the price of my ticket to the movie producer's books. Well, I went to see it. Halle is.... Halle. Thank you, Lord! Not Monster's Ball Halle, but certainly better dressed. Me-ow! Sharon was a good pick as the aging supermodel gone *really* bad. The special effects were actually not that special. The graphics-to-reality merge was smooth, but it still looked like CGI. They need to work on lighting and natural movement. When someone takes a step, there is a "settling" that occurs. Their CGI still doesn't capture that quality. When it does, these types of movies will look more natural.

"People of good will disagree about whether America should have gone to war in Iraq." Bullshit. People of sound mind and body and strong moral standing were opposed to the war in Iraq from the moment word came out that there was something fishy about the WMD information. People who took the time to research Bush knew that his all-consuming hunger for political currency was driving the surge to war more than the rumor of rumors laid out before Congress. And Kerry and Edwards voted for war? Of *course* they did! In the face of "evidence" presented by the President, in light of the kind of man Saddam was, they made the only vote they could. But when it became evident that the war was wrong, they attempted to slow the war engine by cutting funding for it. I personally feel that cutting the funding was a bad idea. Bush doesn't give a rat's ass for the average soldier, so cutting their pay to make up the shortfall was a natural next step. It probably would have happened anyway.

I've seen "Fahrenheit 9/11". I found it very interesting. Combined with other documentaries I've seen about the 2000 election, it makes it clear more than ever that the election was fixed in Florida, and the voters there aren't naive about it. They're pissed, and they did speak up, and they were heard, even if speaking up wasn't enough to change the outcome. The rest was certainly interested and, frankly, inflammatory, but I wouldn't chalk it up to an historical "must read" for my kids. And hey, I'm not a fan of the Monkey-Faced Frat Boy, but I have to be logical about it. Doing the slo-mo pan of Bush doing something really goofy while the voice-over slanders him isn't informative. Fun, yes. Informative, no.

I would suggest that, as a congradulatory gift for being nominated for re-election, the leaders of the Republican Party should give Bush a handkerchief. Because I've also seen one of the "Bush Picking His Nose" clips, and they're just so... Bush... The man can't be bothered to reach for a tissue or something, I don't know. It won't completely clean his image -- a metric ton of Comet, a fire hose, and an entire 11th grade class of kids armed with scrub sponges couldn't get all the dirt off this guy -- but every little bit helps, y'know? Or maybe not...

8/1/2004:   I do a fair bit of driving in the California central valley nowadays, and I've always liked to listen to talk radio while I'm driving. Well, liked it until now.

See, in the central valley, it's tough to pick up KGO or KCBS. I'm sure most of the fault lies with my poor car's bent and battered antenna, but regardless, I end up scanning the band for decent talk radio, and EVERY station that I can get is filled with rabid, foaming at the mouth conservative Republicans. Geez, these people are irritating. They will talk non-stop (which I guess is their job) about how terrible Kerry is, how awful Edwards is for being (gasp!) a trial lawyer! Oh, give me a break. So what these morons are really saying is that, when representing a parent who is suing to have a negligent or incompetent doctor subsidize the care of the child to whom they caused irreparable and life altering damage, attorneys should and must take such cases for free.

Look, I don't like the fact that lawyers cost so much. I figure to make that kind of money, you have to be an opportunist -- or a rock-hard business person. But hey, parents pay it because they want someone with the 8 plus years of education and the experience to make sure that justice is served.

Anyway. That's just one topic they spin and twist to meet their desparate need to stop the growing movement in the U.S. to remove their appointed (not elected) and incompetent President from office, to be replaced with ANYONE who isn't George Bush. Well, I sincerely hope they're eating crow by the end of November.

8/1/2004:   Osama bin Laden. I don't waste a lot of text on this guy because he's not a cultural more that can be affected through discussion. He's evil. He needs to be brought to justice. No, more than that, he needs to meet justice, get his butt kicked by justice, have his head stomped in by justice, have every bone in his body slowly and meticulously crushed by justice... We need to have a WWF cage bout between Osama and every single person that lost a family member to Osama. Osama will face them one at a time. We'll send in the biggest ones first to soften him up. By the time it gets to the kids, he'll be a bloody mess in the middle of the ring, and they can just walk straight up to him with safety scissors and superglue and work him over. Hey, Osama! You goat-molesting flea. You sad, ugly, stupid little man. I'm still here, baby, still waiting for you. You want to reach out and touch someone? Then come and get me, but do it in person. I'll show you what American justice tastes like.

Alright, insult time: Speaking of having relations with small animals, if it weren't for fanatical factions of Islam, you wouldn't be able to get laid with a real woman. I feel sorry for your women. In fact, I'd like to extend an offer to all of Osama's wives. We here in America understand how bad it must be dealing with your unclean, uncouth, uncivilized husband. Between the B.O., bad breath, and persistent flecks of rabid foam in his beard, not to mention his extremely underdeveloped genitals, having "relations" with this guy has got to be an Olympic sized challenge. Well, just hop on a boat and come over to America. We'll get you out of that burka and into the arms of an American male, equipped and able to give you the kind of loving and respectful treatment Osama can't and won't. Yeah, Osama, that's right. Cause once you go non-terrorist-fanatical-freak, you never go back.

Muhammed bin Laden is Osama's father, a hardworking man who raised himself and his family up from the lower financial rungs of society to multi-billionaire status. This guy has 53 kids. Nope, that's not a typo. That's a big fat five followed by a big fat three. Fifty-three children, nearly half of them sons, and while some of them are big successes and some were just born rich, nearly all of them turned out to be respectable, civilized human beings. Y'know, in that part of the world, only one camel-felching terrorist freak out of 53 kids is a pretty good ratio. Props to the parents. They tried.

Y'know, I was just reading over the former paragraph, and I suddenly hit on an idea. Women of Islam, hear me! When your men start talking about blowing people up, LEAVE THEM. Come to America. When adult terrorists can't have baby terrorists, and they can't get a little Islamic nookie now and then, they'll start to realize that perhaps they should scale back on the bombing thing and start trying to effect social change through dialog and legal process. Besides, we bathe regularly and have better malls...

8/1/2004:   I've been just dying to write about this election, and now that I'm finally taking a few minutes... Well, I've only got a few minutes. So I'll have to keep this brief. The players:

Good:

• John Kerry
I think it's telling that the Skeleton Closet has nothing worse to say about Kerry than that he was in a third rate band in college and his musical tastes are "eclectic." That's it? Wow, pretty squeeky clean if you ask me. He's a Vietnam Vet who had the cojones to serve his time, then had the moral compass to come back and start fighting to get the war ended and get us out of S.E. Asia.

He voted to go into Iraq -- based on the faked "intelligence" report Bush based his war campaign on when speaking to Congress. Then when it came out that the WMD stories were a sham, he voted to cut funding for the war. I respect that.

• John Edwards
The foaming-at-the-mouth, insanely illogical, conservative Republican talk radio hosts (see "Michael Savage") keeping screaming, spittle flecks spraying from their drawn lips, about how Edwards was a trial lawyer. Like this makes him Satan or something. I've had some humorous things to say about lawyers, but I'm intelligent enough to know that they serve a valid and important role in our society. Ok, so let's see what these folks are actually saying. Suppose your child suffered brain damage due to of negligent and/or incompetent actions or inactions on the part of the hospital staff. As a result, your child now suffers from reduced mental and physical capacity, and will be forever unable to fully and independently function in society. Do you think it would be fair for the hospital and the doctor to subsidize your child's ongoing healthcare? Do you think that, due to the procedures that led directly to your child's impairment, that you should have the option to have your complaints reviewed by a court and to have monies guaranteed to you to help defray the cost of caring for that child? And would you want to have expert representation while you press your case? John Edwards has experience at pressing those types of cases, and he's had a good track record at winning them. If my child had suffered irreparable damage due to negligence or incompetence, I'd want to hire Edwards to represent me.

On the other hand, he has said some things to cover up less than seemly dealings, and I have a HUGE problem with that. He'd better come clean, tell the story the way he'd tell his priest, and get it all out in the open. He should say things like, "Look, I was selling my house, not selling bombs or selling out America, when Michael Petruzzello wanted to buy my house. When we first started to haggle over the house, I didn't know he worked as a P.R. man for the Saudis. And that $100,000 deposit that I retained when the deal fell through? Well, I'll just give that back. Look, it was $100k, not a wedding ring. I'm as true blue as you." That's what he ought to say just to put it to bed. Deal with it like a man, admit that there *might* be a conflict of interest, take care of it, and leave them with a catchy sound bite. It will go away, then and only then.

And frankly, while I Kerry seems geniune, Edwards comes off as a Kennedy wannabe. Too much "pretty boy" playing on the beach with his kids in his button down/khaki/no socks/deck shoe look. On the other hand, he's not some creepy old corporate schmuck with blood on his hands like Dick Cheney, so I'll give him a pass on the saccharin P.R.

Evil:

• George W. Bush, Jr.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.
Evil.

• Dick Cheney
See Bush.

Cool:

• Al Sharpton
I can't believe I'm writing this, but I have just become a true fan of Al Sharpton. Well, maybe not the Al Sharpton that plays the race card whenever it will get him more time on TV, but the Al Sharpton that ran for the Presidential nomination was looking more mature and less virulently power hungry, and the one that spoke at the Democratic convention actually had me jumping out of my seat and yelling, "AMEN, REVEREND!!" Wow. That man can really turn it on, and when you give him a truly noble cause, he can really run with it. I have underestimated Reverend Sharpton; he is truly a force. Right now, at this critical stage in history, he is turning that power into a force for good. God bless him.

I wonder if I can get that speech on tape?

• Barack Obama
Where the heck did they get this guy? Mr. Obama is such a believable, sincere, fresh face. If he keeps it clean and on the up-and-up, we may be looking at the first African-American President.

Honorable Mention:

• Al Gore
The rightful President of the United States, the one that won the vote but lost the Supreme Court decision, set the tone well. He still sounds like he's talking to a kindergarten class, but he hit all the key points, including bringing up the outrage that was the 2000 election.
• The Clintons
I like Hillary, but she didn't stir me at all. In fact, she kind of just echoed the party line. I heard someone say she and Bill could have mailed their speeches in, and after reviewing the tapes, I'd have to agree. Now, don't get me wrong, Bill is a great speaker. The charisma hasn't lessened one iota. Bill is still the greatest Democratic personality to come out of that party. But was he up to his old standard for whipping the crowd into a patriotic frenzy? Nope. He didn't go limp, but his support feels like, "Hey, you guys could do a lot worse."

8/1/2004:   Here's a little translation of the terms coming out of the ultra-right-wing Republican Party's camp:

"Strengthening families..." - Strengthening our homophobic ideal of what a family ought to be, when what we'd really do if we wanted to protect the institution of marriage is outlaw Britney Spears.

"... And the changing economy..." - And making this complete train wreck that we've made out of the economy even more industry and large corporation friendly while providing fewer protections for the jobs, paychecks, and work environments of U.S. citizens. Oh, and let's not forget making Halliburton vastly richer by awarding them no-bid contracts to do almost nothing in Iraq. Yeah! That's how we'll improved the economy!

"Ownership society" - Everyone pulls their own weight, and the weight of the rich and elite, and the weight of the government infrastructure, and the weight of Bush's unnecessary military campaigns, and... Well, not everyone, just the poor and middle class...

More to come...

REPUBLICANS! AREN'T YOU ASHAMED? Bush lied to you over and over, took your jobs away, blew away the budget surplus, crushed our international standing, wasted billions of dollars on an unnecessary war in Iraq, stole your civil liberties, appointed judges that your elected representatives in Congress, Dems *and* Repubs, wouldn't approve, ripped out every environmental protection measure his big industry buddies found inconvenient, transfered the burden of supporting this country's infrastructure from rich and upper middle class to the poor and lower middle class, and he did all this using power not ceded to him by a majority vote, but by the machinations of his brother and the corrupted Florida voting process. DO THE RIGHT THING! Everyone just forget about which party you officially belong to. George Bush is DANGEROUS TO AMERICA and needs to GO! You can vote the party line next time, but for now, get The Monkey Faced Frat Boy out of the sacrosanct office of President of the United States.

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